"Then Jesus answered and said to them, “Most assuredly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of Himself, but what He sees the Father do; for whatever He does, the Son also does in like manner." - John 5:19
To my oldest daughter, Da’Vey Lynn
I write to you,
I want to first deeply express my love for you. You have changed my life in so many ways. You are the one reason that I did not give up on life, that reason that I did not allow the suicidal thoughts to overtake me. You are the reason that I did not run from the trials of single parenting. You are the source of motivation in the wee hours of the night that I used to increase my determination to complete college as well as graduate school. You are the reason I have found joy and you are the reason that I have persevered in becoming the mother that I am today. You have helped mommy grow beyond disappointment, while learning to see the world in such a peaceful way; knowing that your love for me was just enough to convey God’s grace in my life. You are the reason that I remain steadfast in God. I want you to understand that I write this letter as a moment to heal your heart in this season of brokenness. This is not a feeling that will last forever as God’s grace will abound through the truth within our communicable growth. I want to proclaim your wholeness through the cracks of my darkest nights and heaviest prayers. I chose you above any man, career choice, or outside obligation, that will cause me to limit your level of security that you may find within me. I will never leave you for as long as God will allow my light to shine here on earth. And until I have loved you through all of your pain, the guilt from my past decisions will continue to haunt me.
I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you. Your are perfect. Your love is immeasurable and your forgiveness is absolute. The way that you love me is like something that I have never experienced, unconditional. And that the absence of your father is not a reflection of your purpose, but an indication of mommy's devotion to the understanding of God in that season. I would like to apologize on the behalf of your father’s absence and every man that came and left after that, as their inability to express their regrets has impacted you greatly. Mommy would like to ask for your forgiveness for the days that I lacked the sympathy to hold you during your most painful thoughts and lack of understandings. I want you to know that I did not know how to show you compassionate love because it was not a gift that was freely given to me. I had to work in order to develop the courage to become vulnerable in a world that showed me nothing but pain. But now, God has provided it through self-forgiveness and word. I made a lot of decisions that has led to this moment in which you feel hurt, and I am guilty. Mommy wanted a family. But, I did not know the work that it took to build one as I did not belong to one that acknowledged the true cost. But we are here and I am learning. My prayer is that you do not lose hope in God. I know that your questions are wrapped in the lack of understanding within your daddy’s absence, but the only direction I know to give, is the one that leads you toward God. And lately, we've been reading Proverbs as it states, “to lean not to your own understanding”, but to trust God with your whole heart (Proverbs 3:5-6). This is what mommy challenges you to do in every season, to rely totally on God. And while you wait for His wisdom and understanding, I will be here as you cry and I wipe away every tear of disappointment.
Thank you for your patience, Da’Vey. Your patience while you watched me hurt and heal. Your patience while I laid in a many of beds, earning shame and begging people to stay who never valued the spirit that dwelled inside of you. I thank you for your patience while I learned to develop the correct level of self-respect to properly guide you into esteem. I am sorry that you had to witness such a broken-hearted little girl attempt to mother you as a woman, and for that I give my life to you. I understand that you have a little sister now, but my love for you has not shifted, - yet it has elevated; because above all, you have grown with me through the past pain and still muster the strength to continue in your patient pursuit of sharing my limited love. I am sorry that I did not consult with you during my decision making process. I am sorry that I did not heal completely before having to teach you how to self-heal through God. But what I will say is, that your story will be beautiful. Your story will be majestic. Your sister will need and value your testimony, and your purpose is great. I say this, because like many other little broken black girls, you have been hurt...but not many of these little girls have found healing at such a young age.
I am your healing and your are mine.
So, as I begin to pour all that God has poured into me, I pray that we together- begin to release the bitterness, anger, resentment, and guilt for those who walked out on us in some of the hardest seasons of our lives. And we must forgive ourselves of our past thoughts and decisions in order to begin walking into wholeness together. As I have told you, this won’t be easy but you will always have me right by your side with God slightly ahead holding your left hand on the other side, as He is the father to fatherless.
I love you, Da’Vey
I am sorry for the trials that have attempted to form against you,
However, they will not prosper,
And for that reason, I am forever grateful to the Almighty, God.
Now let’s begin healing with and for one another.