For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.  And a man's foes shall be they of his own household (Matthew 10).
It has been five months, since we last spoke. I have not forgotten about our connection here on the blog, but life has been real. Raising daughters is dainty enough, but to heal and grow, in the process is the realest. And so, this is where I come back to share.
My eldest is just nine years old. And, while I assumed that I had a little time left to share with her the trials and tribulations of teenage elevation; I found only recently that I did not. I attribute these findings partially to COVID-19 and all of its glory, but truthfully it was caused by the continued discernment that God uses to strengthen my spirit. I have found that she knows a little more than I thought and cares to experience things that (in my opinion) she is not ready for. Is it my job to deter her or guide her? Or do I simply reject the growth in full ignorance of the perpetual consequences. I am torn. Let me be clear, it is beyond the typical “talk-back” observations, manipulation and “white lies”, but those of mind and body. She is aware of outside influences, sin, and things out of my control.
To God be the glory, that the curse of molestation has been broken. However, the fastness that rests upon the women in my family appears to be showing itself evident mentally within the thoughts of her mind. Has she had sex? NO! But has she begun to question it? Yes! And this is all too much for me. Why? Because as an unwed mother to two, how do I explain. How do I share my shortcomings while requesting that she does not follow? How do I express the truth of what these feelings mean without bringing up my own trauma.
I was sexually active young. At nine, no. But young, nonetheless. I was seeking love, family, attachment. I had a mother. A distracted, working 9-5 and 5-9 mother. I was alone a lot of my childhood and so I seeked and reached for what was there of the world. But the difference between her and I, she has a stand in father (active role model), she has a dedicated mother, she has the word, and I have taught her to build on God. Am I missing something? The truth is, I am not. The children of this generation are advancing. Menstrual cycles are starting earlier than twelve. Sex thoughts forming through the face of social media. We all laughed at Boosie’s live, but how many children saw that same live and expanded their curiosity. Many. So here I am, dwelling on God’s word. Trusting in His guidance. Understanding that I will experience persecutions and motherly concerns, but ultimately He has the last say. On His word, I will stand. Although, this has caught me by surprise, I will still lead in love. Gentle love, extending the grace that I wish was extended to me. This blog is an update. A moment of share. But more than that, a space for us to have one another's back and understand that we are not alone in this. And, that as long as we believe and stand on God’s word, He will see us through. Pray for a sis, cause age nine has been the realest, ever.
De’dria Louise Bynum